If you want to have satisfactory sex, you need to be able to talk about sex. But for many couples, this is easier said than done.
While the modern world is filled with countless sexually-suggestive material—from music videos to subtle behaviors—it’s not the easiest thing to weave into daily chatter.
Each couple will also have their preferences and boundaries when it comes to discussing sex (although the average tends to fall at around once a week).
A satisfying sex life takes into consideration your partner’s feelings, so make sure you’re on the same page with that as much as possible.
Here are some tips on how to discuss sex and sexual preferences.
1. Know What Topics to Discuss Before Speaking
When it comes to sex, there are a lot of different things you can discuss. Whether it’s discussing your sexual fantasies, communicating about birth control, or simply sharing your likes and dislikes in bed, it’s important to know what you want to talk about before bringing up the topic with your partner.
This can help the conversation maintain a sense of purpose while also giving you ample time to know what to say. Sex talks—especially for couples who haven’t mustered up the courage to talk about it yet—can be draining and involve lots of complex emotions that have yet to surface.
Reflect on what you want first (preferably with the help of a licensed professional) before talking with your partner.
One more thing is that it’s important to keep the conversation focused and short at the start. Once you and your partner become more comfortable, you can continue talking about ways to improve your sex life.
2. Consider Your Partner’s Expectations and Needs
It’s important to consider your partner’s needs and expectations when it comes to sex. After all, sex is a two-person activity.
Talk about what kinds of sexual activity you’re both comfortable with, and be sure to ask your partner what they like and don’t like. Both sides should be excited about the prospect of having sex—any less than that and you should be considering a different activity!
If you feel that your partner’s low sex drive is vastly different from yours, feel free to discuss it openly with them. Don’t coerce them into having sex or touch them suggestively if they are against it.
Similarly, if you feel that your sex drive is lower than your partner’s, you may bring it up with a sexual health specialist. Men can experience a decrease in sex drive as they age as a result of health concerns and stress. Fortunately, there are ways to improve your performance again.
If you feel that your sex drive has diminished, get checked by a sex therapist for erectile dysfunction.
3. Discuss STIs for Safe Sex
Ever questioned if it’s the right etiquette to discuss STIs with your new partner? Rest assured— it’s perfectly normal.
If you’re worried that your partner has STIs, encourage them to get checked by a clinic. You never know; they might be carrying viruses from previous sexual encounters.
The way to approach the topic may feel daunting, but all you have to do is be direct and relaxed. You don’t have to make it sound overly complicated. Opening it up in a relaxed and calm manner will communicate the same sense of ease to them, thus reducing any tension that may arise from the conversation.
Many STIs can be asymptomatic, including:
- Human papillomavirus (HPV)
Before talking to your partner, ensure you’re not unknowingly spreading any diseases as well. Both you and your partner deserve to have a pleasant sexual experience with no risks.
If you have STDs, don’t feel ashamed or guilty about it. There are many people with STIs, and as long as you disclose it to your partner, you can open up the conversation on how to navigate your sexual desires while maintaining a healthy relationship.
4. Know What Topics You Shouldn’t Bring Up
In the same vein that you shouldn’t sport flip-flops and shorts to a cocktail party, you shouldn’t bring up sex in certain situations either.
While you may have pure intentions, your partner may not be in the mood to discuss the matter. It’s important to inform your partner beforehand that you’ll be talking about sex.
Here are moments where you should not start talking about sex:
- During, before, or immediately after sex
- When they’re stressed, hungry, or tired
- The moment they arrive
It’s never a bad idea to remind them that you want to talk about sex ahead of time. This way, they won’t be shocked or anxious when you open up the topic.
For ideas, try something like “I really like us to discuss something regarding our sex life later. Is tonight a good time?” This way, you don’t come across as confrontational while still having an agenda in mind.
5. Discuss Suggestions Instead of Complaints
Many people think that complaining about their sex life is the same as offering constructive criticism, but it’s not. When you complain, you’re putting your partner on the defensive and making them feel like they’re doing something wrong. Instead of complaining, try suggesting ways to make things better.
For example, if you wish your partner to do something more often, here are things you can consider saying:
- “I think it would be hot if we start with foreplay. Wouldn’t you agree?”
- “I’d like us to keep up this frequency. Would that be OK?”
- “This position is fun, but maybe we should try this position next time. What do you think?”
As it’s an invitation, don’t always expect them to answer the way you want them to. Respect their preference, and never ever attack them for something they would rather do (or not do) in bed.
Consult Cincinnati’s Leading Men’s Clinic for a Sexual Health Consultation
Sex talk can be a difficult topic to navigate, especially if you’re new to the scene. It requires patience, understanding, and empathy towards your partner and yourself.
However, at its core, it’s fun for a reason! Once you and your partner get in the groove, your sex life will be nothing short of a blissful experience.
Have sexual health concerns you need to get addressed? Contact a doctor at Proactive Men’s Medical Center in Cincinnati for a consultation. Our concierge approach positions your unique case at the centerpoint of our focus. We don’t just give you a pill for ED and send you on your way. We treat the underlying issues that led to each sexual health condition. We are Cincinnati’s leading men’s clinic providing ED therapy, PE therapy, Acoustic Wave therapy, hormone therapy, and much more.